1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
