I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
