Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
