UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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