Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
