Your face is a jimmy john
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
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