I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
