He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
