If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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