apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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