just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
