we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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