do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
