Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
