I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Are we in a gay sports bar?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
