i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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