Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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