p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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