I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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