Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
