Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
