Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
