I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
she smelled like a LAN party
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
