Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
