Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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