I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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