either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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