Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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