What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
