Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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