I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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