I just saw a hot homeless man
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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