mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
