now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize