Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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