i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize