Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
