I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
