This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Liz is crying about burritos again.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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