Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
