I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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