the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I need to calm my uterus...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
