I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
