PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
