Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
