my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
