Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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