Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
