chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
