After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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