I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
