she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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