DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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