dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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