I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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