I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
