My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Randomize
