dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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