i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
