I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
